Save Me

So much has happened this semester. I am proud of myself for blogging about it. Yes. I know I only posted once. Still proud.

Escuela.
Academically, it was a rough semester. I don’t mean that classes were difficult (though the workload was rather heavy at times). I just really struggled to find motivation. It started out strong, but as time went on I was overwhelmed by the desire to just be done. Just to be out there, actually DOING the work. Being in the ministry. Not just constantly TALKING about it. I expected that feeling, coming back from six weeks of serving in Ireland. Still, it was intense. The Lord really spoke to me a lot about my pride. Yes, He used me in Ireland, but I looking back now, there is so much more that I could have done if I’d had this semester’s knowledge under my belt. My pride would have me run off and try be the super-evangelist. He quietly calls me to be patient, to be humble, and to let Him teach me. That’s what I really want anyways. To let Him move through me – to shine through me like light through glass. His love changing lives. My life invisible in comparison to His glory. I want to disappear in Him. The more I sit still and listen, the more I learn about Him, the more I learn how to step back, pull my agenda out of the way, and watch Him work. He is so good.

Household.
Beautiful. I love my household family. This semester I was blessed with a Little Sister (Emily Dunphy), who both challenged me and humbled me as she went through the process of formation required to become a sister in Regina Angelorum. She is such a beautiful witness of the love of God in this world. I am grateful for her.

  

I am also grateful for the rest of my sisters. Having righteous women, women in love with our God, in my life, has been awesome. They challenge me and teach me, and they are constantly inspiring me to give more of myself. This semester we dove into Scripture and fasting. It has been great.

 
Not only have I been blessed by my sisters, but also my brothers. I’ve gotten much closer to several of them recently, and I love them like crazy. They take SUCH good care of us. I don’t know how to describe the difference that it makes to be surrounded by holy men of God. Their strength, compassion, and intense humility shows me the face of Christ every day. Praise God for brothers.

Hmmm. What else?

Well, I’m going to Nicaragua in fifteen days. That’s pretty cool. Four of my household sister are coming with me. Cooler. Hannah is coming with too! COOLEST. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say about the trip later. For now, please pray for us! Pray for God’s will to be done.

Speaking of God’s will being done…
Is He calling you to donate to our mission trip? Probably. We still need a lot of money, and He likes to provide for His children. Especially the disabled orphans in 3rd world countries. Click HERE to check out our fundraising page. Tell your friends!!!! Please!!!

Sorry. Habit. Can’t help it.

Moving on.

I’m sure there was a lot of other fun, random experiences that I should probably tell you about. I can’t think of them right now though. For now, all I can think about is Matthew.

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I couldn’t resist. Sorry to all of the maternal figures in my life who just read that and got really excited. Remain calm. I am not trying to give you some kind of update on my relationship status. I’m still head over heels for Jesus and totally at peace with being alone with Him until He decides to share me with the man of His choosing. Me and my heart are at the foot of the Cross with Him. Whenever Mr. Man shows up, he’ll meet me here. No worries. (:

Matthew. As in the Gospel writer. Matthew 14:25-33 to be exact. Actually, I guess I’m thinking more about Peter than Matthew.

If you know anything about my life, you probably know that I don’t usually do things the normal way. That goes for my spiritual life too. For the longest time, my relationship was a series of highs and lows. High when I would run to Him and let Him have all of me. Crazy, wild, awesome experiences that floored people around me and left me reeling in a Jesus-high that would rival the most caffeinated/sugared teenage conference attendee. Lows when I would take my eyes off of Him and focus on myself. My situation. My pain. My brokenness. My sin. You name it. When I stopped looking at Him, I hit rock bottom hard and fast.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been in either category.

I love the story of Peter walking on the waves. So often, I feel like that’s exactly where I am. In that boat.

“Jesus, just tell me what you want. Call me, and I will walk on the waves. I’ll do anything. Please, just tell me what you want and I’ll do it.”

Then He tells me. He calls me. He moves me. All of a sudden, I’m walking on water. Exhilarating doesn’t cover it. The feeling of doing what you were created to do… it’s awesome. He is my whole world. He’s the only thing I want, the only thing I need. It’s just Him and me, getting closer and closer.

Then, somehow, I forget. I get distracted. I get impatient. I want what I want, and I want it now. I don’t want to be still. I don’t want to wait. I look away. Wind. Waves. Thunder. Lightening. Sorrow. Fear. I’m sinking. Drowning.

“Lord, save me.”

It’s that simple. He reaches out, pulls me from the chaos of my will and into the peace of His. His will. His time. His love. Peace. All of a sudden, I remember. He is God and I am not. His ways are above my ways, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. He knows me better than I do, and as I draw near to Him, He satisfies the desires of my heart.

I’ve spent a lot of time walking on water. I’ve also spent a lot of time sinking in the waves. A lot of this semester was about the moment that comes after. That moment where my hand is in His and He is saving me. I tried to get to Him, but in the end, He came to me. Now I’m looking at Him again, and once again, He is the only thing I want or need, the only thing I see. I see Him, and everything I am is undone.

“And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear. But immediately he spoke to them, saying, "Take heart, it is I; have no fear." And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, bid me come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus; but when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, "O man of little faith, why did you doubt?"And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, ‘Truly you are the Son of God.’”