From There to Here

Oh, how He loves us...

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.

Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him…  Psalm 37:5,4,7

Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and shield. Yes, our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy Name. Psalm 33:20-21

…but when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out His hand and caught him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”  Matthew 24 30-31

I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord... Jeremiah 29:11

He frustrates the designs of the nations. He defeats the plans of the peoples. His own designs shall stand forever, the plans of His heart from age to age.  Psalm 33:10

Behold, I am the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be done unto me according to Thy word. Luke 1:38

…we walk by faith, and not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

But Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry… As for me, I am poor and needy; but the Lord takes thought for me. Psalm 40:1,17

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior! For He has looked with favor on His lowly servant. From this day, all generations will call me blessed: the Almighty has done great things for me, and holy is His Name. Luke 1:46-49

Blessed is she who believed that what was promised to her by the Lord would be fulfilled.  Luke 1:45

Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy Name! Psalm 102:1

O Magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together!  Psalm 34:3

Emergency Prayer Request

I deactivated facebook, so this blog is now my best means of reaching the cyber-world.

So, howdy, cyber-world.

I need you to pray.

I’ve mentioned before how intensely grateful I am for my household, Regina Angelorum, and for my household brothers. They are the Knights of the Holy Queen, thus named for their intense devotion and the consecration of their lives to Jesus through Mary. They are some of the most incredible men I have ever known, and I do not have words to express the ways that God has used them in my life.

That means I’m pretty darn attached to them…

and THAT means if anything happens to them, it’s a really big deal.

On Monday, something happened.

My brother, Austin Smith, was in an accident in Datona, FL. He hit a wave the wrong way and, long story short, he can’t move. He’s in a hospital in Florida with his family, and doctors are working around the clock to try to get him fixed up.

Now, I don’t know Austin as well as I know most of the Knights. In fact, I’m not sure he even really knows who I am. It doesn’t really matter though. He’s my brother. End of story. That’s just how household works.

Anyways. So, Austin is a Frannie Grad (as of May this year), which of course means that there are literally thousands of people around the world praying, fasting, and otherwise interceding for him like nobody’s business. (That’s such a strange expression…) I would like to give you the opportunity to participate. You can go to his Caring Bridge site HERE and read the full story of what happened. You can also receive the most recent updates as his family lets us know what’s going on, AND you can comment in the guestbook and let my brother know you’re interceding for him and/or offer some encouragement. PLEASE PRAY. I also ask that you fast and/or offer up some kind of little (or big) sacrifice for him throughout the day. Our Father honors sacrifice! (Remember that whole Cross thing?)

Saint Philomena, whose intercession has brought about so many miracles, pray for Austin!

Beloved

I’m a firm believer in the “multiple intelligences theory.” For those of you who might not know, that means that I think there are a lot of different ways to be smart. For example, my sister, Hannah, is absolutely brilliant in ways I can’t even begin to think about without getting a headache (math, science, big technical words and numbers in general, etc.) I have little knowledge in these areas, and even less motivation to learn any of it. However, I am people-smart. I usually understand how people think, and how they feel, particularly myself. Introspection: check. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out. This comes with some huge benefits, like the fact that my inner moral compass is pretty darn solid. I am almost always aware of when I’m doing right or wrong. Unfortunately, this doesn’t keep me from ever doing wrong. I’m working on that part.

Anyways. With all of my thinking, I’ve spent a decent amount of time contemplating my own heart. I’ve learned a lot about my desires, passions, fears, and much more besides. It’s been quite a journey. I’m grateful for the good and the bad, because this process of coming to understand myself has also helped me understand others much better, and to help them understand themselves. It’s a good time.

The thing is, lately I’ve been coming to realize how unsatisfied I have been in this whole journey. Yes, I’ve learned a  lot about myself, and yes I have processed almost nineteen years of life (my fair share of tragedy and more joys than I deserve.) However, despite the closure that I have come to find, I have not been satisfied.

See, the thing is, it is not ABOUT my heart. My heart is a beautiful thing, but it is NOT the point. The point is His Heart. That Sacred Heart that captured mine so long ago, and has stayed with me this whole time. Yes, He was with me in my pains and by my side through this journey to understanding. I have believed that with every fiber of my being since eighth grade. That fact alone kept my head above the water through a lot of storms. However, I’ve still struggled, long and hard, with the feeling that I’m just not getting it right. This may sound like something that should be easy to brush aside… “If you’re giving it your best, that’s all you can do. Just let go. He loves you.” and similar comments come to mind. Believe me, I said them to myself a bajillion times. However, with my inner “This isn’t quite right.” radar going off, it was impossible to move on. So I’ve been spending a lot of time sitting with Him in the quiet and letting Him explain me to myself. Here’s what I’ve come up with. It’s all so simple that I almost feel silly. Whatever. It’s my blog. Let the silliness commence…

It’s not about my heart. (I said that already.)

It’s about His. (I said that too.)

Let’s break that down.

He loves me. Radically. Because of this, He hates to see me suffer.

I’m assuming you’re all still with me.

Therefore, it is His desire to heal my heart.

Right? Right.

So, I should seek that healing.

Right? Sounds good…

Here’s why I was not satisfied:

I was spending a lot of time trying to “deal” with my issues.

I was staring at my pain and begging Him to heal it.
I’ve been staring at my desires and asking Him to fulfill them.
I’ve stared at my questions and begged for answers.
I could go on.

So, my little brother, Judah, is two. He is basically a genius.
(This isn’t a tangent, stay with me.)
A few months ago, he started to ask “Why?”
At first it was really cute. Ok, I’ll be honest, it’s still really cute a lot of the time. However, sometimes…
Marriana: “Judah, you may not poop on the stairs.”
Judah: “Why?”
Marriana’s Mind: “Seriously, dude?!?!”
Marriana (out loud): “Because it’s really gross.”
Judah: “Why?”
Marriana: “Just trust me on this one, buddy.”

That’s just a comical example (and actually a combination of several potty training stories). I have four siblings under the age of fifteen, and all are really, really big on “Why?” When I was little, I swore I would never say “Because I said so...” when I got older, but I find myself saying it frequently. It just doesn’t make sense to have to give a detailed explanation for why my plan for them is sometimes better than their own. It just is.

Oh… I get it.

He doesn’t have to explain Himself to me. His plan is just better. I need to stop asking “Why?” and just trust Him. Yes, ultimately He could give me a great reason for why it’s not ok for me to poop on the stairs (AKA why my life doesn’t always go exactly how I want it to when I want it to.) In fact, if I sit there with the nonsense long enough and keep whining, He will probably end up explaining it to me eventually. The thing is, it is much more time-consuming than if I just stopped asking.

Trust. I need to stop staring at my heart. Yes, it is wild and complex and my pains are legitimate and my desires are understandable and my questions are valid, and the whole thing is one crazy, beautiful mess that He is shaping. However, I am not in love with my heart. It won’t satisfy me, even if I ever actually come to understand the thing. I need to keep my heart where It’s supposed to be. In Him. My heart belongs to Him.

And you know what? His belongs to me. He has given me His heart. I wonder how much time He spends wondering why I ignore His heart while trying to puzzle out my own. 

We were made for romance, and that is something that requires active participation. We have to allow ourselves to be romanced by Him. As a woman, one of the biggest ways I love others is by actively allowing them to love me, by participating in love with them. We have to spend time actively choosing to sit with Him, listening and receiving His love, seeking it in the world and people we are with, allowing it to foster a deeper love for Him within us. This requires concentration. We have to keep our eyes on Him.

The only time I am ever satisfied is when I take the time to receive His love. It’s how I romance Him - by allowing Him to romance me. I am overwhelmed by my love for Him when I allow Him to captivate me with His love. Everything else fades away. It is only me and my Beloved, and suddenly I understand how the Song of Songs and the Psalms came to be written.

Imagine this.
You happen to see a couple sitting together. They’re a cute couple, and something in you tells you that they belong together. That “Yep. That’s gonna last.” sorta feeling. How can you tell? The way He looks at her. He can’t stop. It is clear that He sees nothing else, hears nothing else. Nothing else exists. He just stares. He can’t help it. It’s like He’s trying to memorize her. He is totally, completely, passionately in love. He wants her. He needs her. Not because he literally couldn’t exist without her, but because He is so in love He would rather die than be apart from her.

Yeah. There isn’t a woman in the world who doesn’t want that kind of love.

Now, think about how weird it would be if she turned her back to him and whipped out a mirror? What if she sat there, with her back to Him, staring in that mirror, hoping to catch a glimpse of His love and His plan for leadership over her shoulder? Yes, they would still be together. He loves her way too much to ever leave, even for an instant. In fact, sometimes He will go way out of His way to catch her attention, but if she keeps choosing the mirror, what is He to do? He waits for her, patiently. He loves her, passionately. He sits there, everything she could ever imagine desiring and more, while she searches for her answers. Yes, she catches glimpses of Him, and those tiny glimpses fill her with indescribable joy. Still, it is nothing, nothing at all, in comparison to what she could have if she threw away the mirror and looked into His eyes. If she lived like nothing else existed. If she actively participated in His love.

I will seek Him whom my soul loves...
When I found Him whom my soul loves,
I held Him and would not let Him go.
This is my Beloved and this is my Friend.
I am my Beloved’s and His desire is for me.
I am sick with love.
Come, my Beloved.
I will give you my love.

Song of Songs

Because I don’t have words…

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

- St. Augustine (in Confessions)

Save Me

So much has happened this semester. I am proud of myself for blogging about it. Yes. I know I only posted once. Still proud.

Escuela.
Academically, it was a rough semester. I don’t mean that classes were difficult (though the workload was rather heavy at times). I just really struggled to find motivation. It started out strong, but as time went on I was overwhelmed by the desire to just be done. Just to be out there, actually DOING the work. Being in the ministry. Not just constantly TALKING about it. I expected that feeling, coming back from six weeks of serving in Ireland. Still, it was intense. The Lord really spoke to me a lot about my pride. Yes, He used me in Ireland, but I looking back now, there is so much more that I could have done if I’d had this semester’s knowledge under my belt. My pride would have me run off and try be the super-evangelist. He quietly calls me to be patient, to be humble, and to let Him teach me. That’s what I really want anyways. To let Him move through me – to shine through me like light through glass. His love changing lives. My life invisible in comparison to His glory. I want to disappear in Him. The more I sit still and listen, the more I learn about Him, the more I learn how to step back, pull my agenda out of the way, and watch Him work. He is so good.

Household.
Beautiful. I love my household family. This semester I was blessed with a Little Sister (Emily Dunphy), who both challenged me and humbled me as she went through the process of formation required to become a sister in Regina Angelorum. She is such a beautiful witness of the love of God in this world. I am grateful for her.

  

I am also grateful for the rest of my sisters. Having righteous women, women in love with our God, in my life, has been awesome. They challenge me and teach me, and they are constantly inspiring me to give more of myself. This semester we dove into Scripture and fasting. It has been great.

 
Not only have I been blessed by my sisters, but also my brothers. I’ve gotten much closer to several of them recently, and I love them like crazy. They take SUCH good care of us. I don’t know how to describe the difference that it makes to be surrounded by holy men of God. Their strength, compassion, and intense humility shows me the face of Christ every day. Praise God for brothers.

Hmmm. What else?

Well, I’m going to Nicaragua in fifteen days. That’s pretty cool. Four of my household sister are coming with me. Cooler. Hannah is coming with too! COOLEST. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say about the trip later. For now, please pray for us! Pray for God’s will to be done.

Speaking of God’s will being done…
Is He calling you to donate to our mission trip? Probably. We still need a lot of money, and He likes to provide for His children. Especially the disabled orphans in 3rd world countries. Click HERE to check out our fundraising page. Tell your friends!!!! Please!!!

Sorry. Habit. Can’t help it.

Moving on.

I’m sure there was a lot of other fun, random experiences that I should probably tell you about. I can’t think of them right now though. For now, all I can think about is Matthew.

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Oh.

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I couldn’t resist. Sorry to all of the maternal figures in my life who just read that and got really excited. Remain calm. I am not trying to give you some kind of update on my relationship status. I’m still head over heels for Jesus and totally at peace with being alone with Him until He decides to share me with the man of His choosing. Me and my heart are at the foot of the Cross with Him. Whenever Mr. Man shows up, he’ll meet me here. No worries. (:

Matthew. As in the Gospel writer. Matthew 14:25-33 to be exact. Actually, I guess I’m thinking more about Peter than Matthew.

If you know anything about my life, you probably know that I don’t usually do things the normal way. That goes for my spiritual life too. For the longest time, my relationship was a series of highs and lows. High when I would run to Him and let Him have all of me. Crazy, wild, awesome experiences that floored people around me and left me reeling in a Jesus-high that would rival the most caffeinated/sugared teenage conference attendee. Lows when I would take my eyes off of Him and focus on myself. My situation. My pain. My brokenness. My sin. You name it. When I stopped looking at Him, I hit rock bottom hard and fast.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been in either category.

I love the story of Peter walking on the waves. So often, I feel like that’s exactly where I am. In that boat.

“Jesus, just tell me what you want. Call me, and I will walk on the waves. I’ll do anything. Please, just tell me what you want and I’ll do it.”

Then He tells me. He calls me. He moves me. All of a sudden, I’m walking on water. Exhilarating doesn’t cover it. The feeling of doing what you were created to do… it’s awesome. He is my whole world. He’s the only thing I want, the only thing I need. It’s just Him and me, getting closer and closer.

Then, somehow, I forget. I get distracted. I get impatient. I want what I want, and I want it now. I don’t want to be still. I don’t want to wait. I look away. Wind. Waves. Thunder. Lightening. Sorrow. Fear. I’m sinking. Drowning.

“Lord, save me.”

It’s that simple. He reaches out, pulls me from the chaos of my will and into the peace of His. His will. His time. His love. Peace. All of a sudden, I remember. He is God and I am not. His ways are above my ways, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. He knows me better than I do, and as I draw near to Him, He satisfies the desires of my heart.

I’ve spent a lot of time walking on water. I’ve also spent a lot of time sinking in the waves. A lot of this semester was about the moment that comes after. That moment where my hand is in His and He is saving me. I tried to get to Him, but in the end, He came to me. Now I’m looking at Him again, and once again, He is the only thing I want or need, the only thing I see. I see Him, and everything I am is undone.

“And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear. But immediately he spoke to them, saying, "Take heart, it is I; have no fear." And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, bid me come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus; but when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, "O man of little faith, why did you doubt?"And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, ‘Truly you are the Son of God.’”

I need to learn how to speak Spanish.

It’s been awhile. I’d apologize, but I’m not actually sorry for neglecting the blog. My life has been consumed with many wonderful things that, even now, I’m ignoring on behalf of you, my beloved creepers. That’s right. Feel the love.

I’m procrastinating the reading of three different books of the Bible, an entire book, five chapters in three different textbooks, several hundred paragraphs of the Catechism, the writing of a reflection paper, two journal reflections, and nineteen chapter summaries, the re-copying of notes, and the memorization of the Old Testament canonical order, all to tell you that I’m doing wonderfully.

School has been insane. Completely. My life is a beautiful hodgepodge of prayer, classes, homework, household, and health. It would probably be pretty easy to look at the above To Do List and be stressed out, but honestly, I’m getting used to it. You should have seen last weekend’s list. I’m learning and growing and it’s grand. I’m busy, but not stressed.
Let’s have some life-details, shall we?

Classes
I’m positively in love with two of them. Scriptural Foundations of Catechetics (totally as nerdy-Catholic as it sounds) and Principles of Biblical Studies. The first is about applying Sacred Scripture to catechesis (teaching the faith), and therefore is intensely focused on reading, memorizing, and falling in love with the Word of God. After all, you can’t give what you don’t have. In the second class we’re diving deep into the Old Testament – studying it intensely at a fast pace. It’s incredible. Don’t worry, I’m not surprised at its quality in the slightest. I mean seriously, the Guy who wrote the textbook is Awesome.
My two other classes are taking a little longer to pick up speed. Theology of Christ has been beautiful (Sirilla is an amazing professor) but we’re still working our way up to the really mind-blowing stuff.
Content and Curriculum (another Catechetics class) is being taught by a new professor. She is fresh out of fifteen years of teaching high school classes, and it still shows a bit. You can tell she’s used to having to work really hard to get her students to want to know what she’s teaching. Hopefully she’ll realize that she doesn’t have to do all the build up – she can just tell us the Truths she’s trying to share with us and we’ll go from there.
Finally there is my Personality class. It’s for my psychology minor, and it exists because God wants to teach me about patience, humility, and finding joy in suffering.

Household
I love it. My sisters call me on and call me out on a daily basis. God was kind enough to give me a kick-butt accountability partner who tells it like it is and is cool with me being just as blunt, which is good because I would have been regardless of whether or not she wanted it. ;)

***TOP SECRET THINGS TO BE FILLED IN LATER***

Prayer
My prayer life has been really consistent lately. I can’t even describe how grateful I am that God has chosen to give me four years in a place that is so safeguarded from society’s nonsense. I am completely aware of how blessed I am that the cool thing to do around here is to talk to Jesus and let Him talk to you. Don’t get me wrong. There are still plenty of things that could easily (and too often do) distract me, but hopefully building self-discipline here when the distractions and temptations are smaller will profit greatly when they get bigger. That’s the plan anyways. I love Him. He loves me. It’s good.

Other
1. Injury
Ok. So. I’m limping again. You’re probably (like EVERYONE who sees me) shaking your head and wondering why on earth I can’t just stay in one piece like normal people. The answer is that I don’t know. I’m just not good at it.
Good News: It’s not my ankles!
Bad News: It’s my knee(s).
Long story short: There is a kickboxing class on campus that is crazy fun. Mel convinced me to try it with her, and it was great. You may laugh at me. When I told Hannah, she laughed until I hung up on her and then laughed some more after she called me back. She’s a goob. Anyways. It’s fun, and as soon as my stupid knee works again I’m gonna do it some more. What is wrong with the knee? Well, I stepped wrong or kicked wrong or something on Monday. It hurt. I was like “It’s not that bad. I’ll just finish this class.” unfortunately that was only ten minutes in, and fifty minutes later I was limping. No, I haven’t been to the doctor. They’d just tell me to do the whole Rest Ice Compression Elevation thing, which I’ve been doing anyways. I’m fine. I’ll keep you updated.

2. Born of the Spirit
I’m on core team for the Born of the Spirit Retreat. The retreat is Oct. 21-23. I’ll tell you more about it then. For now: It’s cool. Please pray for us and those who go on the retreat!

3. I need to learn how to speak Spanish.
This needs to happen for several reasons. First, because it’s on my bucket list. Secondly, because I’m going to Nicaragua. Dec 31 – Jan 7. I decided while I was eating gross caf food. The conversation went something like this.
Marriana: I can’t eat anymore of this. I don’t know what animal it came from. I’m going to go to Nicaragua. God just said so. Do you want pizza?
People eating dinner with Marriana: … wtheck?

Basically: God told me to. So I’m going. More to come later.

Newness!

Woo!!! Party!!!! Excitement!!!! CELEBRATION!!!!!

…

The blog has a new title.

 

 

My blog used to be called “When An Angel Goes Abroad”. You can read about why here. It’s not really an appropriate title for my life’s musings anymore, because though I’m still an Angel, I’m no longer abroad. At least for the time being.

The new title is “Learning to Love”. It’s a topic that has been on my heart lately. For quite some time now, my prayer has been that God will speak to my heart and teach me how to love. I want His eyes to see Him, the people around me, and even myself. I need Him to teach me. So… yep.

Have a great day.